The Fix Is In

“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.” ~Carl Jung

add to that:

“Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent.” again Carl Jung

And on top of that add:

Jungian’s, when a parent is not able to provide a dream during an analysis, might ask for a dream of the child, as it will surely contain an image of the difficulties at hand.

The family creates a psychic environment where the children absorb and play out the psychic conflicts within their environment. Their undifferentiated egos are unable to separate from the inundation. It’s kind of a scary burden if we accept it. Isn’t it just easier to throw around the word dysfunctional? Although there are exceptions, the family unit is one of the most intimate realities any of us has ever experienced. Yet so many of our family units are ailing.

There’s a continuum here I’d like to explore. From one angle, we are all children. Mankind itself is still crawling out of what Jung called troglodyte kindergarten (caveman kindergarten). A basic psychic lesson that needs to spread widely: stop pointing your finger, it’s more than not polite. The “problems” you notice, where ever they are: why…that’s you over there.

(Image by illustratorsam via Flickr)

Renee

Yes, slapping on the "dysfunctional" label places very complicated relationships that reflect throughout generations in a box without deeper examination. It's a Pandora's box—one that most of us don't wish to open. Thanks for a wonderfully insightful post.

Matt Searles

LOL, this is why I point the finger at my parents! Seriously.. I spend my life trying to overcome the damage.. and now my mom passed away a couple weeks less then a year ago... I'm taking care of dad.. and feeling like I'm not doing to great a job of it.. but in that darkness I laugh at my parents and say "Karma's a bitch, ha?"

But I mean that's a very hard thing.. trying to deal with toxins and abuses in the family thing.. without necessarily pointing fingers.

My sister and I are adopted.. from different parents. She has saver mental retardation and autism... which created an enormous amount of stress for my parents when I was growing up. It lead to my mom's heart problems.. which in combination with cancer, lead to her passing.. and added to my dad's alcoholism.

In my individuation fights.. after art school.. I would shout these Jung quotes my mom.. about how its always the parents fault.. what you're quoting.. when she was diagnosed with the cancer.. my dads alcoholism got bad enough that it could no longer be covered up... and this finally broke the spell.. or much of it anyway.. and I was able to have a much better relationship with my mom before she died.

Still.. there's that secret pack mom's like to make with there son's that they might not have to grow up.. this was a somewhat one sided pact in our case.. "No mom, I want to be a superman, not a child." So via her wish not to have me grow up.. I was able to have a situation where I wouldn't have to worry about external demands.. and go about my hero's adventure in bliss chasing..

While growing up.. the problem my parents gave me was to tell me that who I was trying to be was wrong. Of course children very often explore there parents shadows... but my parents had managed to leave me emotionally handy capped, and totally unable to function in the world.. It was only my rebellions that brought me some modicum of.. ability to function.

Well the good news is that period of not having to deal with external demands allowed me a massive amount of development.. and while the damage done to my foundations still exerts a terrible effect on me.. hope blooms.

Now is a time for trying to meditate on compassion.. to try and heal.. so that the anxieties influence might lesson.. so that freedom from the cage might be achieved, and we might find what kind of an animal the ugly duckling really is.

jtb-in-texas

I don't have kids but I do have dreams... Where does that leave me? ;-)

chas

thanks for the pointer finger! i have noticed my son playing out the family dramas on a regular basis. he is my clearest mirror.

Troy

So true! I have tried to examine this closely “If there is anything that we wish to change in the child" with my own children. Did not do so well with it, I think, when they were younger, but have matured to understand this better. Particularly having a child with Asperger's.
And I can so relate to the effects of the second quote, “Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent.” having had parents with unlived lives.
Thank you for sharing these.