But I mean that’s a very hard thing.. trying to deal with toxins and abuses in the family thing.. without necessarily pointing fingers.

My sister and I are adopted.. from different parents. She has saver mental retardation and autism… which created an enormous amount of stress for my parents when I was growing up. It lead to my mom’s heart problems.. which in combination with cancer, lead to her passing.. and added to my dad’s alcoholism.

In my individuation fights.. after art school.. I would shout these Jung quotes my mom.. about how its always the parents fault.. what you’re quoting.. when she was diagnosed with the cancer.. my dads alcoholism got bad enough that it could no longer be covered up… and this finally broke the spell.. or much of it anyway.. and I was able to have a much better relationship with my mom before she died.

Still.. there’s that secret pack mom’s like to make with there son’s that they might not have to grow up.. this was a somewhat one sided pact in our case.. “No mom, I want to be a superman, not a child.” So via her wish not to have me grow up.. I was able to have a situation where I wouldn’t have to worry about external demands.. and go about my hero’s adventure in bliss chasing..

While growing up.. the problem my parents gave me was to tell me that who I was trying to be was wrong. Of course children very often explore there parents shadows… but my parents had managed to leave me emotionally handy capped, and totally unable to function in the world.. It was only my rebellions that brought me some modicum of.. ability to function.

Well the good news is that period of not having to deal with external demands allowed me a massive amount of development.. and while the damage done to my foundations still exerts a terrible effect on me.. hope blooms.

Now is a time for trying to meditate on compassion.. to try and heal.. so that the anxieties influence might lesson.. so that freedom from the cage might be achieved, and we might find what kind of an animal the ugly duckling really is.